In a Moment
by lakergirl4life
Summary: Everything changes in a moment. Brenda returns home to help Jason deal with the aftermath of Michael's shooting. Brazen.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: It's been a while since I've written Brazen and I hope to be breaking out of my Brazen dry spell. There are flashbacks...some real...some manufactured. The 'real' flashbacks are from 1998 (post-plane crash) and the manufactured ones are from 2003. Enjoy and let me know what you think.

* * *

Part I

_"I'll make you a deal. I am going to be optimistic from now on. I'm still going to let you be, you know, you. So I'll hope for the best and you can expect the worst. That way all of our bases are covered. And I know we're going to get out of this alive," Brenda said._

"_Deal," Jason said. _

Somewhere along the way, the deal changed. She stopped hoping for the best and started expecting the worst. Tragically, everyone's worst nightmare came true when Michael was shot by a bullet meant for Sonny.

Brenda held the candle closer to the flame, waiting for it to light. As she set it on the stand, she said a brief prayer for Michael. _Get well soon, Michael. You're strong and so many people love you, they're never going to be the same until you're better._ A little boy whose future was once filled with possibility was now filled with uncertainty. Hearing the door open, she turned around and her heart sank when she saw Carly. She couldn't even begin to imagine the pain Carly was going through right now. Granted, she and Carly had barely tolerated each other but this kind of pain she wouldn't wish on anyone, even Carly.

"Carly – " Brenda paused, not sure what to say. What did you say to someone whose little boy had been shot? Due to a senseless act of violence, there was a little boy fighting for his life because of Sonny's naivety. What the hell had he been thinking to take Michael to the warehouse unguarded? Just wishing away the danger didn't make it go away. And now Michael was going to pay the price for trusting Sonny to keep him safe. "How's Michael?"

"He's fighting," Carly said, the stress of the past forty-eight hours evident in her voice.

Brenda nodded, "He would be – he's strong," Brenda said. Hopefully the old adage was true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If that was the case, then there was a good chance that Michael could beat the odds. Michael had been through so much in his short lifetime. "I'm so sorry that this happened."

"If you're here to say I told you so, then you can leave," Carly said.

"No – that's not why I'm here," Brenda said. She was the first one to admit that she didn't agree with Carly's choices but now wasn't the time or the place to bring it up. Carly was already going through enough, the pain – the guilt, the last thing she needed was for anyone to judge the choices she'd made. Besides, it wasn't her place to lecture Carly. At the time Carly believed she was making the right decisions, and for a while it looked like she had. If there was anyone to blame for this, it was Sonny – not Carly, not Jason. "I know you hate me and I don't blame you for that. But this – this isn't about me or about you. If there's anything I can do for you – don't hesitate to ask." She grabbed her things from the pew and started to leave but stopped for a moment. "He's going to make it through this, he's strong – there are a lot of people that love him."

Carly wiped the tears from her face, "Thank you," Carly whispered. "I – I envy you for being stronger than me, for being able to make choices I couldn't make. I didn't agree with you at the time, but now – now I can see why you did what you did."

An awkward silence passed, "You did what you needed to do at the time," Brenda said. "No one can blame you for that."

"I blame myself," Carly said. "I'm a mother, I'm supposed to protect my boys and now – " Carly's voice trailed off and she took a few moments to gather herself. "You're here to see Jason, aren't you? He's in with Michael now."

"I meant what I said," Brenda said. "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you." Brenda tersely smiled at Carly and headed towards Michael's room. She hesitated before entering the room. She could see Jason sitting next to Michael's bed, talking to him. She knew the guilt must be ripping Jason in two. Even though Jason no longer had the title of being Michael's father, he was just as much his parent as Carly and Sonny.

Maybe she shouldn't be here. What if her being here made things worse for Jason? She left Jason because she couldn't deal with the violence that was always on the fringes of his life. She couldn't take the risk that someone wasn't going to cross the line. She couldn't risk being caught in the line of fire. She'd done it once - with Sonny, and she couldn't do it again. Sure she could've hoped and prayed that nothing like this would happen, but there were no guarantees. She'd been shot at once and Carly had been kidnapped, that was the harsh reality of this life. Brenda shook her head, maybe it would be better for her to leave. But she knew Jason was blaming himself for this, and despite everything that happened between them she wasn't going to let him wallow in guilt.

* * *

"I'm sorry buddy," Jason said. He hated seeing Michael like this, hooked up to more machines than he could count and his head bandaged. Michael deserved to be outside. He didn't deserve to be lying in a hospital bed paying for the choices he and Sonny made. "You know, when I brought you home for the hospital, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I thought I was just going to look after you while your mom got herself straightened out. I – I didn't know that I was going to love you as much as I do now. I didn't know that I was going to learn as much from you as you did from me. I didn't know that my choices were going to affect you like this. If – if I had known – " Jason reached forward, lightly holding Michael's small hand in his own. The boy who was once his son, the boy he still thought of as his son, was a boy paying for his choices. "If – if I had known that things were going to turn out like this – I would've said no. I don't regret one moment of loving you, but if I knew that you would be fighting for your life because of my choices – I never would've brought you home that day. I don't deserve to be a father."

Maybe he hadn't been the one to put the bullet in Michael's head. He hadn't even been with Michael that day. But he was as much at fault as the shooter. It was hard to pinpoint what decision had led to this. Did it go back to the first day Sonny gave him a gun? The first night at Jake's he saw Carly? The day Carly showed up drenched from the rain and nearly nine months pregnant? The first time he held Michael? Bringing him home from the hospital? The Baptism? Pushing Carly away? Giving Michael up? Letting Sonny adopt Michael? When was it that things started to go wrong?

"I'm sorry Michael. I brought you into a life filled with violence. I was selfish to think that you'd be safe, stupid to think that kids were really untouchable. I'm so sorry that you're the one paying for my mistakes, my crimes." Jason let go of Michael's hand and rested his forehead in his hands. He'd give up every happy moment in his life if he could somehow make this nightmare go away.

Jason turned his head when he heard a light tapping on the glass. Jason took a deep breath, and ran his hand over his face before turning and seeing Brenda at the door. A million emotions coursed through him as he saw her standing there. Seeing Michael in this bed was her worst nightmare. A child caught in the line of fire. That was why she left him. They had made an unlikely pair, but somewhere during the trail they fell for each other. He wasn't sure what it was that drew him to her. It was probably the simple fact that the only person who understood what he was going through was her. After getting acquitted, they tried to make it work. They fought more often than not, but they always fought so that was nothing new. But Carly getting kidnapped while pregnant freaked Brenda out and she couldn't deal with that possibility so she left him. He didn't blame her. Not for that or any of the other decisions she made. She'd always been completely honest with him about how she felt about his job. When they'd gotten married, she hadn't promised to accept his job – they'd gotten married for reasons that had nothing to do with love. So when everything fell apart, there was no one to blame – just his job. But he hadn't been able to give it up. She didn't ask him to, she simply walked away. Except it wasn't simple.

Jason took a deep breath and walked over to the door, and stepped in the hallway.

"Jason, I'm sorry," Brenda whispered. "This isn't your fault. I know you – I know the guilt is tearing you apart but you have to believe that this isn't your fault."

"It is my fault. I wasn't with Michael, but I'm just as responsible for this as Sonny," Jason said.

"You've never gambled with the boys' safety, you wouldn't. You wouldn't let something like this happen. You – "

"Then why did you leave?" Jason asked. "If I could never let something like this happen, why did you leave?"

Brenda nodded slowly, "I deserve that," Brenda said.

"I'm sorry," Jason said. "I shouldn't have said that. When you left – it was your decision. I accepted it, and I respected it."

"I – "

Jason motioned for Brenda to stop talking and he looked around the hall and motioned for her to enter Michael's room. He didn't want to have this discussion in the hall. In fact, if he could he wouldn't be having this discussion at all. Brenda shouldn't be here, it was too dangerous. But he knew that it was pointless to argue with her, that if she wanted to be here she'd stay. If she hadn't wanted to come, she would've stayed in London.

Brenda looked at Michael then back at Jason, "I hate this. I hate everything about this," Brenda said, tears flowing freely down her face.

"If there's one person who is not at fault for this, it's you. You warned me about this more than once. I – I've always respected your decision. I understood it on some level, but I don't think I ever really got it until now," Jason said. When Brenda left, he hadn't wanted her to leave. But he saw the fear in her eyes. He couldn't guarantee he could keep her safe. So he did the one thing he didn't want to do, he let her go. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't wish things could've turned out differently. But they hadn't.

"I never wanted to be right," Brenda said. "I never wanted something like this to happen."

Jason looked at Michael in bed and wondered if he would ever wake up again. "I hate your decision. I hate that you left me, that you walked away. But knowing what I know now, I can only say thank you."

Brenda shook her head, crying harder. "Don't thank me. Don't you dare thank me for keeping our daughter away from you."


	2. Chapter 2

Part II

Brenda looked around the penthouse, not much had changed in the five years she had been gone. She and Jason hadn't said a word to each other since they left the hospital. He hadn't wanted to talk about this at the hospital and she agreed with him. Brenda walked over to the mantle, looking at the row of photographs. Mostly pictures of Michael and Morgan, and a few of Emily. She couldn't help but notice was there wasn't one of their daughter, but that was her fault - not Jason's. "Do you want to see her?"

"No," Jason said. "It's not safe. It's already too much of risk that you're here. If anyone finds out about Amber – "

"She's safe. She's perfectly fine," Brenda said. "I called Johnny, he's with her." There was a short list of people in Port Charles that knew she had a daughter and an even shorter list that knew Jason was her daughter's father. Aside from Johnny, the only other person that knew was Carly.

"Is she here?" Jason asked.

"Yeah, I couldn't leave her somewhere. I thought you'd want to see her," Brenda said. All this time, Jason hadn't seen his daughter once, he hadn't even seen a photograph. After Amber was born, she offered to send him a picture or to let him see her when she was too young to remember him, but he turned her down. He said that giving up Michael was hard enough even though he still got to be a part of his life. Jason told her that he wasn't sure he'd be able to walk away from his daughter after seeing her or holding her. Just as Jason had to respect her decision to move away, she had to respect his decision to have no contact with Amber. Just because he hadn't seen her, it didn't mean he didn't love her. She knew that if she ever needed Jason or that if Amber was sick, he'd be there in a heartbeat. She knew the distance he kept from Amber was to keep her safe.

"No, it's not safe," Jason said, his voice leaving no room for discussion.

Brenda waited a few moments before answering. After the shooting Jason doubled, if not tripled security and things were safer than ever before. But she couldn't force him to see Amber if he didn't think it was safe. She hated that she did this to him, that whoever shot Michael did this to him. Michael's shooting validated every fear she had, but the only thing she could hold on to was the knowledge Jason wasn't as careless as Sonny.

"I'm not here to argue with you," Brenda said. She had a lot to talk about with Jason, but it would have to wait. Before she and Jason talked, she needed to make sure he was okay. Hopefully he'd let her help him. "The past two days must've been hell on you and I'm sure this is the first time you've left the hospital. Go shower and change, and I'll get lunch."

"I'm not hungry," Jason said.

"You need to eat," Brenda said.

"Maybe later," Jason said, he gestured to the kitchen. "Make yourself at home."

Brenda watched Jason head upstairs and wondered how she was going to fix this. She needed to make him see this wasn't his fault. There was only one way to do that, but she wasn't sure she could. With what just happened to Michael, could she bring Amber home?

* * *

"You didn't have to do all this," Jason said, gesturing to the coffee table. All his favorite foods were laid out on the table, a mix of breakfast and lunch items. But he couldn't eat right now. "I'm not hungry."

"That's okay," Brenda said. "It was more for me than for you. It makes me feel like I'm doing something. Even if it's just ordering takeout."

"Thank you," Jason said, sitting down next to Brenda.

"When's the last time you slept?" Brenda asked.

"I haven't," Jason said. Carly called him a little over two days ago and he hadn't slept. At least he didn't think he had. He closed his eyes a few times while sitting next to Michael, but he didn't remember falling asleep. "I - "

"Jason, you need to rest. Carly needs you, Michael needs you - " Brenda paused. "Just this once, just let me take care of you," Brenda said. "Lay down for an hour or two, then you can go back to the hospital and maybe you can convince Carly to take a break - "

"She's not leaving until Michael wakes up," Jason said. He'd tried to get Carly to go home earlier, but she refused to leave. She said she wasn't leaving until her baby opened his eyes again.

"Get some rest," Brenda said. "I'll have someone take me back to my hotel or to the hospital."

"Can you stay here?" Jason quietly asked. He wasn't in the mood for a lecture or an argument or even a discussion. He just wanted to rest and for the first time in the past two days he didn't have to be the one holding up everyone else.

Brenda nodded, "Of course," Brenda said. She turned around and glanced at the stairs then shook her head, "I'll just read a magazine or something while you rest."

Jason saw Brenda glance at the stairs and knew what she was thinking, she was probably remembering the last night they spent together and didn't want to get caught up in the past.

"I'm just going to lay down here for an hour or so. You can read or watch tv or - "

"I'll sit with you," Brenda said.

* * *

Brenda wasn't sure how she did it, but she convinced Jason to get some rest. Brenda absentmindedly ran her fingers through Jason's hair, as he slept in the couch with his head in her lap. Brenda gently ran her fingers along Jason's face. The past few days had really taken a toll on him.

It wasn't often that Jason let his guard down in front of anyone. His vulnerable side was reserved for those closest to him. Brenda felt a small sense of satisfaction that he still cared enough about her to let her take care of him. It's not their relationship ended, it just stopped. One day they were in love, the next day she found out she was pregnant and a week later she was on a plane to Europe and she never looked back.

_"Brenda, what's wrong?" Jason asked. He sat down next to her and pulled her into his arms. "Whatever it is, it'll be okay. It's going to be okay."_

"_It wont," Brenda said. "Nothing's going to be okay again."_

"_It will be," Jason said. "Just talk to me. What's going on?" _

_Brenda pulled back from Jason's embrace and wiped her eyes, "I'm pregnant," Brenda whispered._

"_Okay," Jason said. "I know we didn't plan this, but we'll figure it out."_

"_I can't," Brenda said. "I can't - " Brenda paused and started crying again. "I'm glad that Carly's home and that she's safe and her baby is fine," Brenda said. "But I can't live like that. I can't wonder if someone is going to kidnap me and use me as leverage. Jason, I'm sorry, but I can't."_

"_Are you saying we're over if I don't leave the business?" Jason asked. "I can't leave. I'm in too deep."_

_Brenda started crying and hugged Jason, "I know and that scares me," Brenda whispered. "I promised myself I wouldn't ask you to leave, but I can't stay. If it was just me, maybe I could - "_

"_Just like that? We're over? We should be celebrating right now - "_

"_We should be, but I can't. I'm leaving Port Charles. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm leaving. I love you. I don't want to keep your child away from you - I know how hard it was for you to give up Michael. But I want to be safe, I want our baby to grow up safe.. I don't want to take the chance that someone could use our child against you. If you want to come with us, that's fine. But, I can't stay. Please Jason, I'm begging you - don't fight me," Brenda said. "Please don't fight me on this."_

_Jason stood up, walking across the room. "This is what you want? Do you know what you're asking me? You're asking me to give up you and our child," Jason said._

_Brenda walked over to Jason, "I know," Brenda said, wrapping her arms around him from behind. "I know and I'm sorry, but I want our baby safe. I know you want the same thing. I can't stay, don't make me stay. Tell me you love me enough to let me go. Oh God, I'm sorry, Jason, I'm so sorry."_

Brenda blinked back tears, the last thing she wanted to do was hurt Jason. But everything she was afraid of just came true. Michael was shot simply for standing in the same room as his father. The logical part of her brain was telling her that it was Sonny's fault, that Michael was shot because there was no security. That Jason would never let something like that happen. But the fact of the matter was that he couldn't guarantee that. It had been her decision to leave, but whether or not she and Amber came home - that would be Jason's decision.


	3. Chapter 3

Part III

_Two Weeks Later_

Jason moved behind Carly, resting his hands on her shoulders. "He's doing better," Jason said. It had been touch and go for the past week, but Michael turned a corner last week and was expected to make a full recovery.

Carly smiled, "The doctors said he can go home in a few weeks," Carly said.

"Mom?" Michael groggily asked.

"I'm right here baby," Carly said, reaching out to touch Michael's face. "You're supposed to be resting."

"I'm fine," Michael said. "You should go home - Jason's here. Mom, I'm fine."

"Carly, he's right. Go home and get some rest. Spend some time with Morgan." Jason said. True to her word, Carly hadn't left the hospital until Michael woke up. That was a little over a week ago. "I can stay here."

Michael's eyes closed and he drifted back to sleep.

Carly sighed and rested her hand on Michael's. "Maybe you can read to him," Carly said. "I know he's asleep, but he still likes it when you read to him. Even if he won't admit it."

"He still calls me at night," Jason said. It didn't happen as often as it used to, but Michael still called him at night to talk to him if he had trouble falling asleep.

"I know," Carly said. "Your voice comforts him, it always has."

"I'll read to him," Jason said. Michael insisted he was too old to be read to. He was at an age where he'd rather read to Carly or Morgan, but right now that wasn't an option. Michael was growing up so fast and pretty soon reading to him won't even be an option. Morgan just started reading, he wondered if Amber was reading yet. He didn't even know what kind of books his daughter liked. He didn't know if Brenda read her fairy tales or books about animals.

"Have you decided what you're going to do about Brenda?" Carly asked.

"They shouldn't be here," Jason said. Brenda moved to get out of the line of fire, to keep their daughter safe. If that's what she wanted, she shouldn't be here.

"You gave her up," Carly said. "I know - I know you don't talk about it, but I know how much you love your daughter."

"I do," Jason said. He loved Amber, he thought of her every day especially when he saw Morgan. They were only a few months apart and he was sure they would've been best friends. But maybe not, he didn't know a single thing about his daughter. He wasn't sure if Amber took after him or Brenda, if she had brown eyes or blue. He'd never held his little girl, but he'd do whatever it took to make sure she stayed safe even if that meant he never got to hold her or read her a bedtime story.

"Have you seen her?" Carly asked.

"No," Jason said.

"You should," Carly said.

"Carly - "

"Jase, come on. She's your daughter. Don't you want to see her?" Carly asked.

"Of course I do. But if me knowing her - if it causes something like this to happen - " Jason shook his head. "I can't do this again. Hell, I can't do this now. But doing it again, it will kill me."

"You've already missed five years. There are no guarantees in life," Carly said. "Yeah, something like this could happen again and that scares me. But you didn't put Michael in this bed. Sonny did by taking off his guards. You wouldn't let something like that happen."

"It's Brenda's decision," Jason said. "She wants - "

"Amber's your daughter as much as she is Brenda's. I'm sick of hearing about what Brenda wants and what Brenda decided," Carly said.

_"Where's Brenda?" Carly asked._

_"She left," Jason said._

_"Okay, when is she going to be back?" Carly asked._

_"Brenda's not coming back," Jason said. "She left - she left me, she left Port Charles."_

_"I told that viper if she broke your heart, I would kill her," Carly said. "What the hell happened in the past forty-eight hours that made her leave you?"_

_"She's pregnant and she doesn't want our baby used against me. She - "_

_"She took your baby?" Carly asked. "Where is she? Who does she think she is, taking your baby from you - "_

_"Carly, don't," Jason said. "It's Brenda's decision. I wouldn't object to raising our baby, but she's right. You just came back. You were kidnapped twice - "_

_"Lorenzo saved me from Sonny's brother," Carly said._

_"You were still kidnapped because of the business," Jason said. "Brenda's not like you. She doesn't embrace this life. She's afraid of it, and I don't blame her. She made her decision and I respect it. Just - just let this go. For me - let it go."_

"It's my decision too," Jason said.

"Then do something about it," Carly said. "You're missing out on your daughter's life. Anything could happen - and how would you feel if you never got a chance to know her?"

* * *

Jason took a deep breath and knocked on Brenda's door. "Can I come in?" Jason asked when Brenda opened the door.

"Of course," Brenda said. "I put Amber to bed a little while ago."

"Yeah, I figured she'd be asleep," Jason said. "I was with Michael earlier and she went home to be with Morgan. We traded off after dinner. Morgan went to bed about an hour ago, so I figured Amber would be asleep."

"She is," Brenda said. "Make yourself comfortable. Do you want anything? I can order something if you haven't eaten."

"I'm fine," Jason said. He sat down on the sofa and reached behind him when he sat on something hard. He looked at the book and then at Brenda, "Greek Mythology?"

Brenda laughed softly, "Consider it a compromise. It's kind of a fairy tale. Maybe it's not happily ever after, but it's still magical. It's somewhere real and Amber can go visit these places one day."

_"Aw You read to him? You read him nursery rhymes and fairy tales and all that? Brenda asked._

_"No, no," Jason said. "Actually, I got this really great book about France."_

_"Are you kidding?" Brenda asked._

_"No, I'm not. Pete had this one about - Pete - about the Bahamas. And there was one about Alaska, and I'm just reading this one now," Jason said._

_"Wait, are you talking about travel books?" Brenda asked._

_"Why not? When he grows up, if he wants to see them, he can. He can't do that with made-up stories," Jason said._

_"You read him travel books, huh?" Brenda asked._

_"Yeah," Jason said._

_"No, I think it's cool. I do. I just think that, you know, every kid should know at least one fairy tale," Brenda said._

_"Yeah, well, stories that didn't happen make my head hurt," Jason said._

_"That's because you've never heard a really good fairy tale, so you don't know how awesome they are," Brenda said._

"Does she like them?" Jason asked.

"Yeah, she does," Brenda said. "You'll be happy to know she likes them better than fairy tales. She likes those too, but she could spend hours looking at the pictures in that book. I think she likes the pictures better than the stories."

"Morgan does too," Jason said.

"They're practically the same age," Brenda said. "Does - " Brenda paused. "Does that make you miss her more?"

"I can't miss her more," Jason said. Up until five minutes ago, he didn't know one thing about Amber and right now all he knew was that she liked mythology and pictures. He didn't know if she liked to draw. "I love Amber - she's my daughter. Morgan - he's like a son to me, but he's not mine."

"You must hate me," Brenda said. "I wasn't supposed to come back, that was part of our agreement. I was supposed to stay gone. But I couldn't. Jason, when I heard what happened to Michael, I had to come back and make sure you were okay. That was selfish of me, and I'm sorry if me coming home caused you any more pain. That's the last thing I wanted to do - "

"Yeah it hurts to see you. But I don't hate you," Jason said. He could never hate Brenda. Even though she took their daughter, he could never hate her. "You helped me. You helped me realize that Michael's accident wasn't my fault. I'm responsible for it, but it's not my fault. I know how much it cost you to come home and you didn't have to - "

"Yes - yes I did," Brenda said. "I knew how devastated you'd be and that you'd blame yourself. I couldn't - " Brenda sat down next to Jason and reached for his hand. "I couldn't let you blame yourself not - " Brenda's voice trailed off and she pulled back from Jason. "I couldn't let you blame yourself for something that wasn't your fault."

"Maybe it's not my fault directly, but I put Michael in that bed," Jason said. "You knew something like this was going to happen. That's why you left when you were pregnant."

"I didn't know something like this would happen, but I was afraid that it would," Brenda said. "Jason, why - why didn't you fight me on it?"

--

A/N: The travel book flashback happened while Jason and Brenda were stranded and waiting to be rescued after the plane crash.


End file.
